Morgan U Meets Muscles

This week I met muscles in my body that previously I was completely unaware of.  I have a muscle just below the sagging crease of my bottom, somewhere below the exact spot that my saddle bags have been dwelling for as long as I can remember.  Deep, underneath the dimpled skin has been this muscle.  I tried to google the name of it and got nothing so I have named it my Bin Laden muscle for its fantastic ability to hide undetected for all these years.  this is not the only new muscle that I have met since beginning my strength training class.  There are two muscles right below Mary Kate and Ashley Boobson (my ta-tas).  I am hoping that if I pay attention to these muscles The Boobson twins may decide that there is life after nursing.
I have taken two classes so far and the results are - sore muscles, and less of a guilty feeling when I am pouring my totally deserved glass of wine at the end of the night.  I am proud of myself and have been having fun with it too.  For the 27th time this year I am vowing to you that I am turning over a new leaf.  This time the turning may take a little longer because my Oprah's ( the muscles under my arms that I was sure were wings) are a bit tender and bending over to the leaf may take a second more because I have a sharp stabbing pain in my back (that I will call Jesse James).
To leaf turning and new found friends!!!
To leaf turning and new found friends!!!
To leaf turning and new found friends!!!
To leaf turning and new found friends!!!
To leaf turning and new found friends!!!
Two more you can do it!
To leaf turning and new found friends!!!
one more- make it count!
Toooo leaf turning and                      newwwww found frienDs  !!!  Now for push ups!

Bathing Beauties

This weekend I came to a revelation.  The majority of the bodies on the beach- In Vermont anyway- are well... lets just say not awe inspiring.  When bathing suit season rolls into town- I go into panic mode.  I stock up on green tea, Sally Hansen Air Brush legs, and clothing that promises to slim.  One year I bought an at home seaweed wrap and had to ask Honey to help Saran Wrap me from head to toe.  I didn't lose anything except maybe a little of Honeys admiration. 
Anyway back to the point of the rant.  While sitting on the beach in my sexy Marylin Monroe esq cover up, I surveyed the area.  People watching is my favorite sport and one that I am remarkably good at.  Let me paint the picture for you.
To my left was a mother of tween boys- clearly oblivious to their bratty behavior and also clearly oblivious to the fact that unless you are Jennifer Anniston- women should retire the bikini when the body starts heading south.  Behind me- skinny 16 year old blonde that was there just to taunt me.  I could feel her looking at me and saying "OMG, I am sooooo never having kids, I think I'll adopt so that I can eat what ever I want and still have an ass the size of a soft ball."
Next to Twiggy was her chubby friend in an equally small bathing suit.  Chubby was most likely there to make Twiggy feel even thinner- much like the massive amounts of leg makeup that I slathered on my entire body pre beach.
To my right, the trashy girls with their over weight children and endless supply of cigarettes which they felt okay smoking while holding obese children.  Combined all three moms age was maybe 38 and combined they had 5 children with them.  They were of proper age to be wearing bikinis but they missed the no bikinis after stretch mark memo.
Im going to hell. I know this.

In front of me was the mother that waited to have a little dorkie child until her 40s.  She was wearing Berkenstocks and a tee shirt over her bathing suit.  I almost thanked her for that.  Her child was hyper active and pale.  He was in a wetsuit because older moms are nuerotic.  He acted younger than his age because I am sure Berkenstock mother didn't believe in public education therefor her nerdy little son is most likely homeschooled.  He probably has a scheduled play date with another nerdy child once a week at the food co-op.

Not far from us was the family reunion group.  They had their fold-a-chairs in a circle- all facing eachother.  The had no beer, on Memorial day weekend...I was glad to not be in that family.

I try my hardest to make the most out of my catty-ness.  I try to learn a lesson from my endless judgement of others.  This weekend I learned that I should lose the cover up and rock the bikini- not only do I only have a few more years of acceptability but compared to the average beach goer I look like Gisele!

Maternal Instinct

I must seek out the Higher Being whomever he/she may be and thank him/her for my maternal instincts.  Last night, I stayed at my fathers house because his wife is away and he needed some company...and someone to make him dinner.  Being that there is no TV in the guest room or the room that used to belong to me and is now referred to as Little Man's room, I usually sleep on the couch.  I like to fall asleep to the calming sounds of some murder taking place on Law and Order.  Little Man, unable to sleep on his own yet ( I know he is 2 and half, shut up, you have no idea, I don't need your advice or your input you stupid childless ass that is sure to tell me that I need to break that habit) so he curls his little body at my feet on the couch.  It was at least three times in the night that I was compelled to wake from a deep sleep and check on him- and all three times he was inches from falling head first onto the hard wood floor....mothers instinct???? I think so.

While I have your attention Higher Being, and I started with a thank you, I must ask you a few of life's tougher questions. 
1. How is it that we can have diet- pizza, soda, beer, chocolate and not have diet wine?  I don't get it?  Can you please figure this one out so that I don't have to resort to the dreaded- cutting down or god forbid working out?  Thanks.
2. Ugly People...need I say more?  Are they the product of your bad creation days?  How do you think they feel about their uneven eyes and bulbous noses?  Really, that wasn't nice of you...I'm just saying.
3.  Request- Next time you are thinking about robbing some innocent children of their wonderful mother by taking her from them before they are even grown ups- can you just think about Lindsay Lohan..and reconsider?
4.  Does it get me anywhere when I pray to you to- for instance a) help me stay between the yellow lines b) qualify for that credit card c) not let anyone notice that my love handles have taken on a mind of their own?

I feel like I should end on a good note... hmmmm...Thanks for the Tata's- they have been a life saver on numerous occasions!

Check Please

Lunch at the Lakehouse restaurant is always a favorite sunny day excursion of mine.  Yesterday while downing sipping two a Margarita, and dining on nachos two ducks swam up to our table.  Little Man was in his glory.  I told him that he could feed them- nachos, hot dogs and french fries are actually really good for ducks.  It's a proven fact. 

While contemplating actually tipping the ducks for entertaining my toddler, instead of tipping our distracted and too big for her short shorts waitress, I peaked along the water line in time to see our pepper shaker floating by.  Ummm...we'll just go ahead and pretend that the pepper shaker was upset about his break up with Salt and decided to take his own life.  It couldn't have been LM, taking opportunity of the fact that mommy was more interested in her Margarita that the rising colesteral levels of the Lake Bomoseen duck population.

Back to chatting about how the nachos would have been better if there was guacamole- I mean really, no guacamole what is this?  I didn't just allow my lunch date to buy me $16 nachos that I could have made at home for $2 did I?  Yes, I did.  Along with spring rolls and 2 top shelf margaritas thank you very much.  What?  I had every intention of pulling out my debit card and pretending that I was planning on at least contributing. 
Plunk.
My table is missing a fork.  My toddler is smiling.  The ducks are full and yet still find flight.  I raise my arm and motion to Too Short that we my lunch date is ready for the check.

Mr Literal

Be careful what you say to my 2 year old- he is not only Captian Obvious these days but he has married that persona with a new one: Mr. Literal.

Captain Obvious shows his colors all day.  "Mommy you driving?", "Mommy you sleeping?", "Mommy you in the living room".  If LM were not a 2 year old my instinct would be to smack him on the forehead while muttering the famously 1990's catch phrase "Duh".

Now we have a new character in the house, and school and he is Mr Literal.  Nothing sums up an introduction to this persona quite like the following story:

A few days ago Little Man's quiet, and easily blushable teacher came to me (literally) red in the face and not doing such a great job of containing her giggle fit.  She informed me that she had to tell me a story. She went on.  You see LM was wearing his new T-shirt, the one with a giraff and a totally unrelated Tag you're it slogan on it.  Teacher told me that she played the game tag with LM all morning uttering the very phrase "Tag you're it" with each gentle pass.  LM would then return the tag- in the exact same spot in which he received it.  As in, Teacher tagged his shoulder so he tagged hers.  Teacher tapped the top of his head- he patted hers right back.  Later in the afternoon while on the changing table, Teacher took it upon herself to clear up LM's tag rules confusion- "You know LM", she said "you don't have to tag me where I tag you, you can tag me wherever you want".  Now, you probably are thinking that my LM shows his love for boobies at this point in time, but that is not where this story is going..no that would be too predictable.  Instead, LM smiled his devilish grin that shows his true colors, dimples and all.  He stretched out his miniature little arm and with a snap slapped Teacher across her shocked face.  "Tag, you it!"

Rejoining the Real World

In efforts to focus on the positivity that life brings, I have decided to unplug.  I have deactivated my Facebook account......Deep breathe.
I began to find that facebook although, it has its positives, is also a breeding ground for judgement.  I don't want people reading and twisting my words, making assumptions about me, my family and my relationship status (Pretty Much Married is not even an option).  I also don't really want to know when all 600 of my "so called" friends" are tanning, pretending to work or having a bad monday, no offense.  I understand that my blogging about this topic is a bit of a hypocritical take on surrendering the social networking, but I have said it once and I will say it again- writing is my passion, and that I am not willing to give up.

Between texting, twittering, my spacing and facebooking I feel that todays generation has lost sight of what is important, and that is human to human contact.  I can appreciate that new technology has allowed for easier, instant connection to everyone who has ever bagged your groceries or sat behind you in Home Ec, but where we have improved those connections we have decreased our personal contact. 

The bottom line for me is, I am not willing to make myself or my family vulnerable to increased critisim and speculation.  I am going to make a concerted effort to mind my own business in hopes that others may follow my lead.  And so, I am unplugging...for now. 

City Boy Talks camping

To say that my brother is high strung is like saying that Oprah is well off.  He is wound higher and tighter than Hiedi Montags new cheeks.  When I asked my little city sib if he was interested in camping with us in June his reaction was priceless.

Brother:What is it, like, this camping thing? Like what do you do?
Me:I'm a little confused as to what it is you are asking.  You can't be telling me that you don't know what camping is, right?
Brother:  Well like details, like do we sleep in a car, the woods, a teepee? 

A Teepee? Is he serious? 

Shell shocked Sister of Clearly Disturbed Brother: This is not something new.  Have you never seen Parent Trap or any scary movie where teens venture into the woods to camp only to find out that they are camping on the very hill that a son murdered his mother on and has since never been seen?  Camping is not a foreign concept, why are you so baffled?

Clearly Disturbed Brother of Shell Shocked Sister: Im pumped, this is going to be so fun.  Are there bears there?  I'm not even gonna shower while I'm there.

Oh Boy.

Since our camping convo my brother has called a dozen times to confirm details.  He has decided how the tents should be set up around the fire.  He has studied the DICKS catalogue like it will somehow turn him into the Park Ranger of his dreams.  He has most likely told all of his friends and spent a fortune on outfits fit for camping.  My guess is he has purchased a pocket knife, a compass, a lantern and a weeks worth of Astronaut Ice Cream.  If there is one thing that I can say about my city slicker brother is that he will be prepared.  He will also probably leave the woods of Vermont a little dissappointed that he did not get to Macgyver his way out of a sticky situation, save his family from a rabid bear or even have to rub 2 sticks together to make a fire.  But it will be fun, and you bet your ass I'll have a few more stories to tell so stay tuned!