Miss Instant Gratification 2009

And the winner of the 2009 Miss Instant Gratification is..........MorganU!
Vanna, tell her what she has won!
"Well Pat, where do we even begin. MorganU, you have won a lifetime of disappointment. That 4 day diet that promises to make you lose 16 lbs will not only never work but even just 4 days will prove to be too much of a commitment for you. Because of this, you will have a lifetime of arm jiggle all to your very own. But that is not all. You will impulse shop for "needs" that you dont need, can't afford and within hours of purchasing you will not even want. This means you will have an abundance of crap and a bank account that will never add up to much at all!"
"How does a promise of head aches for life sound? Well, you got it! You will have endless head aches from all the wine you will drink to instantly relax.
Ever dreamed of a fantasy vacation? You got it, and it will be accompanied by a credit card bill that will take you years to pay down because you can't afford it...not even a little!"

Vanna, can there possibly be more?

"There can! Miss Instant Gratification of 2009 will be leaving here today with her very own Instant Gratification kit. This includes 1 pair of Spanx, a can of self tanner, hair extensions, a bottle of diet pills, and her very own Instant Gratification Gown that promises to hide all of her imperfections so that she won't actually have to work on them!"
" Congratulations MorganU!''

Attention Dr Phil

There are few things in life that are a guarantee. I can gaurantee you that I will be 10 minutes late, my car is perpetually on empty and that if I am home at 5 O clock on a week day (which is no guarantee) that I will be listening to Dr Phil while buzzing around the house cleaning, cooking, sipping wine.
The other day, ( I cant be specific because I have been a day ahead all week) Dr Phil had men and women on discussing Why Men Suck. I think it was worded differently but clearly, if Dr Phil had a few male fans left, they have officially signed off. One of the "had been hurt a zillion times" ladies suggested to Dr Phil that he hold a "Husband Boot Camp". I couldn't agree more. And Dr. Phil if you are reading, I have a few suggestions:

Firstly, I would like the men to have a crash course on CLEANING. Please be sure to cover the following areas.
Sinks- Sinks are not storage places for dirty dishes. They are not miraculously emptied by dish faries that look an awful lot like you wife (or Pretty Much Wife). They are not garbages so please stop sweeping crumbs etc into them. If you are using the bathroom sink, try to think of it as a person, a person who does not like to have toothpaste stuck to him/her for all of eternity. Please Dr Phil cover the sink topic but do not spend too much time on it b/c the men will begin to tune you out.
Hampers- Please show them what one looks like, make them repeat the word over and over...HAMPER HAMPER HAMPER so that when we tell them to put their filthy clothes in it that they don't look at us like we have three boobs and are speaking vietnamese.
Showers- These should happen everyday. If you miss one, you do not need to make the next one last 45 minutes. Once out of the shower please use one of the clean towels that your wife or Pretty Much Wife has so generously left hanging for you...and note to yourself that that same place is where the wet towel should be returned. Dr Phil, please remind them once again that there are no fairies to help out in this situation either. This might be a good place to point out to them that if they put in a few more hours of work a week that we could actually hire a "fairy" to do all of this work, saving many future fights and causes of stress.
Romance- more important now than ever. Again Dr Phil please remind them of how wonderfully they wooed us in the beginning. Please share with them that we fell in love with a romantic guy. Please give them a few romantic ideas...I dont want flowers, I want time. I want planned evenings just the two of us. I want to be asked to do fun things.
Sex- Now Dr Phil this is important. If there is one way that you can get through to these hubbies or PMH's fill them in on a little seceret...we find clean, tidy, romantic men extremely sexy. Honestly, if my Pretty Much Husband were to swiffer the floors and turn on the dish washer without being asked, I would consider that foreplay!

Recipe for a Wonderful Solo Evening

Recipe for a successful evening...
Ingredients - Jammies (preferably flannel)
Slippers- fuzzy
giant glass of wine (white in the summer, red in the winter)
Diana Kraul CD
Fabulous book (trashy magazine also acceptable)

Directions- After a usually crappy day in your dim, dingy office drive 9 miles over the speed limit home. Once home ignore new bills that are half hanging out of your broken mail box and head straight for the laundry basket that contains the clean and semi clean clothes and dig out your most comfortable pair of jammies. I suggest yoga pants and an inside out sweatshirt, but really anything will do. Kick off your sexy shoes and replace immediately with 100% unsexy fuzzy slippers. Head to kitchen. Find the cleanest/largest wine (or pint) glass and fill to brim. Sip. AHH. Pop in the Diana Kraul, Frank Sinatra or Michael Buble CD and begin to imagine yourself at a cafe in Tuscany. find the book that you have been reading for the past 6 months and go back a chapter as to remember where you left off. sit in His chair (even though you complain about how ugly it is you have to admit that it is way more comfortable than your gorgeous couch.) and kick your feet up. This is a great recipe to use on that odd occasion that your child/ children are not home, your Honey is busy and you dropped your phone in the toilet. Warning: this recipe is easily ruined if you let your mind wander to the unvacuumed carpet, the laundry pile that has consumed half of your bathroom, or the fact that you really don't know where your child/ children are, so take time to ensure that all of this is taken care of ahead of time, preferably by someone else.

Morgan U, Famous Blogger!

I am elated. I am having visions of being interviewed by Oprah, having papparazi follow me to Starbucks (we don't even have a Starbucks), and having Botox. I am being played in a movie by Scarlette Johansin. Why you ask?

Well, Saturday we went to a party. And that is where it happened. I was approached about my blog. Four people at the party declared that they were official fans of my blog. I am instantly transformed into Morgan U the famous Blogger. I have since practiced my signature, made an appointment to get my hair done, and decided to stick to my fitness routine so that I will look fabulous while being interviewed by Letterman.

I have practiced how I am going to tell my boss that I am leaving to become a famous Blogger. I have decided on a new car and I have picked out a Prada bag. What I have not done is seriously think about how I can get my Blog read by the right people. The people that will read it and wisk me off in a private jet to give me a celebrity makeover and a book deal.

So here is my plea: Oh wonderful ,fabulous, loyal fans out there, if you have any celebrity friends, distant relatives with connections to Hollywood, or even a friend of a friend of a friend that sweeps the floor at Harpo Studios.. hook a sister up. I promise you now that when I am a famous Blogger that attends parties with the cast of The Hills that I will not forget you! I will throw stunning parties with celebretyish goody bags. I will charter a yacht and bring all of my closest 300 friends for a celebrity studded cocktail party. Loyal fans...you will not be forgotten!

See what happens when I get a compliment!

Picking Up Poop

When exactly did it become necesarry to walk your dog, carrying a plastic bag and wearing rubber gloves so that everytime your K9 does his business you have to reach on down to Gods green earth and pick up said poop with said gloved hand? Does this seem sane? Do people even question why it is ok for every other animal on the planet to leave deposits wherever their little tails desire? I dont even have a dog and everytime i see someone stooping to such insanity it enrages my inner angry child I want to put my head out the window and scream "you silly human, why are you giving in to this craziness.....for zillions of years dogs, cats, squirells and elephants alike have been crapping outside...."I have never passed a gravestone that read "dead from excessive amounts of doggy dew deposited in yard. My yard has worms, potato bugs, spiders and grubs, really what harm can a little poop do?

Clearly, I am having anger issues right now. Clearly I am frusterated with job, life, home etc. clearly it is not the lack of dog poop on my yard that is making me so volatile......but really pet owners across the globe save me from my coming anurism and leave the poop!

Slim in 7 days

I am sure that the writers at Cosmopolitan magazine put extensive research into the recent article How to lose 5 pounds in 7 days. I can't imagine that they would publish an article that would be devoured by chubby women across the country without consulting numerous doctors, nutritionists and fitness trainers right?

I read the promising title and quickly flipped to page 158, bipassing the 75 New Ways to Please Your Man (can there really be 75 new ways, and why should I research that when the only research he is doing is on Power Tools). I can do anything for 7 days...in one week I will be 5 lbs slimmer and half way to my goal weight, Fabulous! Thank god for Cosmo!

Step One- Drink mainly water. Hmm. I don't really like water. I do however put ice cubes in my white wine, that should work.

Step Two- Ban white bread and pasta. This is ok, I can eat meat and veg for 7 days. Although I might have to switch to red wine to go with the meat, and I do not put ice cubes in my red wine. This could be a problem.

Step Three- Cardio 30 minutes per day. ok seriously this does not sound possible. I do not have an extra 30 minutes a day.Hmm, well I guess I could try and get up early..maybe even be on time to work all week, Super I will not only be 5 lbs sexier, I will be a better employee, and super organised!

Step Four- 36 Push ups and lunges every other day- Ok does this count as the cardio or am I now supposed to make room for this as well? Are these people even sane? And where do they get the number 36? If I do 35 will I only lose 4 lbs? This is ludicrous, I hate diets.

Step Five- Sleep thirty more minutes per nite- You just told me I had to get up early and excersize. Ok, so I have to go to bed malnourished at 7 pm so that I can wake up at the crack of dawn to do not 35, not 37 but 36 push ups before heading to work on time. Deep breath it is only for 7 days.

Step six- Make one food sacrifice. Haven't I given up enough? Not having bread and pasta is not enough? I will show them! I will give up lentils! Ha take that.

Step Seven- Have you on top sex daily. Really, I am not that chubby.

Pretty Much Married Part 1

Honey and I are frequently mistaken for a married couple. I am often called his wife and he is referred to as my husband. Usually neither one of us feel the need to correct the Err-ers. Infact, most of the time I am ok with the modern day situation that I find myself in.

I have all the right answers to the nosy question "Why aren't you married?"

We have seen so many marriages fail.

We have so much going on right now.

We don't have the money.

Although all of the above are tru, the real reason is that I haven't been asked.

Recently, we were on vacation (see Vegas Before Dark). Honey while at home is often reserved and does not go out of his way to meet new people. In the hot desert sun however, he is in his element talking to anyone and everyone. Infact, he invited so many random strangers to our house in VT that I had to put the ix nay on Casa Vaca.

While I was happily sipping a margharita and relaxing by the pool, Honey found himself talking to an older couple. They had clearly been married at some point years ago when well behaved children were named Beaver, men wore ties, women wore aprons and Horses held conversations.

"How long have y'all been married?"

I pause, and put my trashy magazine down in time to hear Pretty Much Hubby explain to Mr Cleaver why he hasn't bitten the bullet yet.

"We're not married" he replies. "We own a home and have a little boy, so we are pretty much married."

I start to imagine what an almost wedding would look like.

I am wearing a long beige gown (pretty much white), I walk down the aisle gazing at pretty much all of my family and friends. I hear the minister say, "Do you Honey, take this woman to be your wife, to have and to hold from this day foward til death do you part?"

"Pretty Much"