Friday, November 11, 2011

Drumroll Please

 It is the moment that we have all been waiting for.  The moment in which my dedication and motivation is put to the test.  The moment in which Beth the Deaths coaching and training skills are measured quite literally as is the circumference of my ass.  In the beginning of the week I confessed to BTD that I was not too hopeful for results.  I have been feeling down about my appearance.  I haven't had my roots done in about a month too long, my wardrobe is atrocious and I was tagged on facebook in a pic of myself that oh so clearly displayed my second chin.  You know the feeling. 
But none the less, I had vowed to allow you all to measure my success or lack there of and unlike my vow to reduce the wine intake- this one I will stick to.  But not quite yet.
This week Beth really pushed me.  She had me crawling, kettle-belling, and climbing stairs.  I did notice that with the increase of my water intake I felt more powerful in my work outs.  I hate to us the word easier because BTD is reading this and she will take note, but they really did feel a bit easier when better hydrated.  Not easy by any means, but a bit more doable.  I was only tempted to throw a kettle bell at her flat stomach three times as opposed to a dozen or so usually.  See- I do have will power! 
Anyway, Beth decided to do the measurements after kicking my Kardashian for an hour.  I felt like the contestants on the Biggest Loser- having my last chance workout.  While squatting my way to slim Beth convinced me to join her for a week of Bikram yoga.  If you don't know what that is let me explain.  It is a series of 26 (I think) yoga poses , over a 90 minute session in a room that is kept at a constant 105 degrees.  Now, I have always enjoyed yoga.  Not like weirdly- I don't say Ohhhhhhhmm and I still enjoy a slab of dead animal on my plate every night but I have enjoyed the benefits of yoga in the past.  It feels great, it gives the mind a break- and with the shit that runs through my mind- it needs a break!  I can truly say that I am looking forward to my first Bikram class today at noon.  I won' t lie a huge factor in my looking forward to it is that I am hoping that it jump starts my weight loss goal.  I take Jennifer Anniston as an example.  When Jennifer was on the series Friends she had a body more like mine.  Ample chest, small waist and a but you could rest your coffee cup on.  She looked great-however fifteen years later- she looks even better and attributes her new shape to yoga.  It literally changed her shape.  I have accepted that I am an hour glass shape however if given the choice I would love to be longer and leaner and more like the Jennifer of the romantic comedies than the Jennifer of Friends.  And, if yoga in a man made desert is gonna help get me there- sign me up!
OK, I will stop stalling.  I will get to the point of this rant.  The results...Well they didn't start out as wonderfully as I had hoped.  I only lost one lb.  When I looked at the number on the scale I immediately had visions of myself in a one piece- with a sarong and a snickers..not the vision I was hoping for.  When I texted Beth the results she remained positive- reminded me that muscle weighs more than fat blah, blah, blah.  But low and behold she was right.  I lost a half inch on each bicep, a quarter inch on each thigh.  I lost a half inch around my waist and nothing on my ass which just goes to show that I have been right this whole time! I am the other Kardashian sister. 
So the results were not as thrilling as they are on the Biggest Loser but they are none the less successful results.  I am hoping that with the addition of the sweat lodge and maybe adding a bit more cardio to my routine I am on my way to the goal of 10 lbs that I am hoping for.  And maybe, just maybe my after shot will be in a bikini :-)

Friday, November 4, 2011

Bluntness and Body Image

My friends and I are how you say…blunt. Sometimes the level of our bluntness gets us in trouble…with each other. Recently, my blunt friend- we will call Red approached me about something she had on her mind. She asked me if I was at all concerned that my blog might offend people. She was concerned that there might be overweight people out there reading my blog and cussing me for being a skinny bitch that calls herself fat. I pondered. And then I reminded her that my blog is not mandatory reading, and that if it offends anyone they can simply stop reading.

The truth is I do have body image issues…another point Red felt the need to make. I realize that I am not fat...but I do pick myself apart…a lot. Like when I compare myself to fat Jessica Simpson or my derriere to Kim K’s. I think most women put themselves down, and how can we not with images of perfect women thrown in our faces all the time. I can’t watch a Victoria’s Secret commercial with my boyfriend without thinking that he is thinking that he wishes I looked like that. I cannot picture myself having a good time on a tropical beach with the one that I love unless I have lost 10 pounds prior to the trip. I have always had these negative thoughts about my appearance and I probably always will.

After admitting that it seems like a lie when I say that I also have a pretty good self image…let me explain. There are a lot of things about my appearance that I do like. I can’t walk through the Walmart parking lot without getting a whistle. I think I’m a pretty girl. I have really straight teeth and cute feet. My eyes are an unusual blue green and I have even grown to like my upturned nose. So shoot me if I don’t like my saddlebags or wish my stomach was tighter. I want to be in the best shape that I can be. And as far as offending people, it is never my goal- and never really a concern. I cannot make people feel a certain way- I don’t have that kind of control. What I can do is be open, honest and entertaining. I think a lot of women out there can sympathize with my struggle for perfection. I am not saying that it is a healthy way to view oneself. I am saying that this is how I feel, and I think how a lot of us feel. And if comparing myself to celebrities that are a bit larger than the norm in the celebrity world helps push me to exercise than so be it. Putting oneself down-not healthy, exercising regularly-healthy. So what if I need to do one to do the other. It works for me.

I think after explaining this to Red she understood. She also sent me flowers because she is one blunt and fabulous friend. She is also a skinny bitch that has never had to work out a day in her life and has never been over a size 2. To be blunt- sometimes I want to shoot the bitch.

Updates- Actually modeling for a photo shoot on Saturday to help a friend build his portfolio- I have insisted that he refer to me as Gisele from here on out. I have begun to pretend that I am a supermodel in preparation for the shoot. Can someone please bring me some sparkling water, like yesterday???

Also Beth the Death (BTD) is taking my measurements on Thursday…wish her-I mean me luck!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

While She was Gone

Beth is back. I didn’t have good news for her when she arrived at my door- kettle bell in hand. I wanted to tell her that I did everything she told me to do- I wanted to tell her that I have given up wine and had fallen in love with exercise. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t eat any Halloween candy and that I said no to pasta…Here is what I did tell her

Ummmm….I didn’t get a chance to exercise. I had a little bit more water than normal and a little less wine…yesterday I had skittles for breakfast. And if you don’t come to my house and force me to work out- it’s not gonna happen.

At least she has job security. She also has a sick obsession with squats. Especially squat thrusts. No, this is not some exciting new sexual position only to be found in Cosmo magazine. This is a mix between a squat, a plank and a backwards jump. Having trouble picturing it? Try doing it! Not only do I look ridiculous in the yard squat thrusting my way to physical perfection, but I choose to be doing this as my boyfriend’s employees are parking the trucks in the driveway for the night. I can only imagine what they must be thinking as I am swearing- ass up in the air with Beth the Death encouraging me by saying “Black Bikini”, and “Bye bye Oprah arms”. What must be running through the minds of these plumbers walking by, trying not to laugh at my awkward position?

I cannot tell you what is running through their minds but I can tell you what is running through mine… This bitch is crazy. If I don’t look like Daisy Duke by January I am going to kill her. Who does this anyway? I feel like I am on Biggest Loser right now! If she goes in my house and opens my fridge and confiscates my wine there will be bloodshed. Wine…do I have any? At my next break I should put it in the freezer because after these squat thrusts I am going to need a refreshingly cold beverage. Is it time to stretch yet?

Here is what I can only imagine is going through Beth’s mind.

If this girl thinks she can joke her way to fit she has another thing coming. She better get serious because I am tracking her progress for my website. Maybe I should confiscate her wine.

Luckily, BTD is giving me until next Thursday to do my measurements and report my progress. As I was working on my arms she did say that she recognized that I had some definition that wasn’t there before. Yeah! And I can say one thing for sure- my exercise routine has out lasted Kim Kardashian’s marriage! That in itself is success in my book!