Monday, May 24, 2010

Maternal Instinct

I must seek out the Higher Being whomever he/she may be and thank him/her for my maternal instincts.  Last night, I stayed at my fathers house because his wife is away and he needed some company...and someone to make him dinner.  Being that there is no TV in the guest room or the room that used to belong to me and is now referred to as Little Man's room, I usually sleep on the couch.  I like to fall asleep to the calming sounds of some murder taking place on Law and Order.  Little Man, unable to sleep on his own yet ( I know he is 2 and half, shut up, you have no idea, I don't need your advice or your input you stupid childless ass that is sure to tell me that I need to break that habit) so he curls his little body at my feet on the couch.  It was at least three times in the night that I was compelled to wake from a deep sleep and check on him- and all three times he was inches from falling head first onto the hard wood floor....mothers instinct???? I think so.

While I have your attention Higher Being, and I started with a thank you, I must ask you a few of life's tougher questions. 
1. How is it that we can have diet- pizza, soda, beer, chocolate and not have diet wine?  I don't get it?  Can you please figure this one out so that I don't have to resort to the dreaded- cutting down or god forbid working out?  Thanks.
2. Ugly People...need I say more?  Are they the product of your bad creation days?  How do you think they feel about their uneven eyes and bulbous noses?  Really, that wasn't nice of you...I'm just saying.
3.  Request- Next time you are thinking about robbing some innocent children of their wonderful mother by taking her from them before they are even grown ups- can you just think about Lindsay Lohan..and reconsider?
4.  Does it get me anywhere when I pray to you to- for instance a) help me stay between the yellow lines b) qualify for that credit card c) not let anyone notice that my love handles have taken on a mind of their own?

I feel like I should end on a good note... hmmmm...Thanks for the Tata's- they have been a life saver on numerous occasions!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Check Please

Lunch at the Lakehouse restaurant is always a favorite sunny day excursion of mine.  Yesterday while downing sipping two a Margarita, and dining on nachos two ducks swam up to our table.  Little Man was in his glory.  I told him that he could feed them- nachos, hot dogs and french fries are actually really good for ducks.  It's a proven fact. 
While contemplating actually tipping the ducks for entertaining my toddler, instead of tipping our distracted and too big for her short shorts waitress, I peaked along the water line in time to see our pepper shaker floating by.  Ummm...we'll just go ahead and pretend that the pepper shaker was upset about his break up with Salt and decided to take his own life.  It couldn't have been LM, taking opportunity of the fact that mommy was more interested in her Margarita that the rising colesteral levels of the Lake Bomoseen duck population.
Back to chatting about how the nachos would have been better if there was guacamole- I mean really, no guacamole what is this?  I didn't just allow my lunch date to buy me $16 nachos that I could have made at home for $2 did I?  Yes, I did.  Along with spring rolls and 2 top shelf margaritas thank you very much.  What?  I had every intention of pulling out my debit card and pretending that I was planning on at least contributing. 
My table is missing a fork.  My toddler is smiling.  The ducks are full and yet still find flight.  I raise my arm and motion to Too Short that we my lunch date is ready for the check.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mr Literal

Be careful what you say to my 2 year old- he is not only Captian Obvious these days but he has married that persona with a new one: Mr. Literal.

Captain Obvious shows his colors all day.  "Mommy you driving?", "Mommy you sleeping?", "Mommy you in the living room".  If LM were not a 2 year old my instinct would be to smack him on the forehead while muttering the famously 1990's catch phrase "Duh".

Now we have a new character in the house, and school and he is Mr Literal.  Nothing sums up an introduction to this persona quite like the following story:

A few days ago Little Man's quiet, and easily blushable teacher came to me (literally) red in the face and not doing such a great job of containing her giggle fit.  She informed me that she had to tell me a story. She went on.  You see LM was wearing his new T-shirt, the one with a giraff and a totally unrelated Tag you're it slogan on it.  Teacher told me that she played the game tag with LM all morning uttering the very phrase "Tag you're it" with each gentle pass.  LM would then return the tag- in the exact same spot in which he received it.  As in, Teacher tagged his shoulder so he tagged hers.  Teacher tapped the top of his head- he patted hers right back.  Later in the afternoon while on the changing table, Teacher took it upon herself to clear up LM's tag rules confusion- "You know LM", she said "you don't have to tag me where I tag you, you can tag me wherever you want".  Now, you probably are thinking that my LM shows his love for boobies at this point in time, but that is not where this story is that would be too predictable.  Instead, LM smiled his devilish grin that shows his true colors, dimples and all.  He stretched out his miniature little arm and with a snap slapped Teacher across her shocked face.  "Tag, you it!"

Monday, May 10, 2010

Rejoining the Real World

In efforts to focus on the positivity that life brings, I have decided to unplug.  I have deactivated my Facebook account......Deep breathe.
I began to find that facebook although, it has its positives, is also a breeding ground for judgement.  I don't want people reading and twisting my words, making assumptions about me, my family and my relationship status (Pretty Much Married is not even an option).  I also don't really want to know when all 600 of my "so called" friends" are tanning, pretending to work or having a bad monday, no offense.  I understand that my blogging about this topic is a bit of a hypocritical take on surrendering the social networking, but I have said it once and I will say it again- writing is my passion, and that I am not willing to give up.

Between texting, twittering, my spacing and facebooking I feel that todays generation has lost sight of what is important, and that is human to human contact.  I can appreciate that new technology has allowed for easier, instant connection to everyone who has ever bagged your groceries or sat behind you in Home Ec, but where we have improved those connections we have decreased our personal contact. 

The bottom line for me is, I am not willing to make myself or my family vulnerable to increased critisim and speculation.  I am going to make a concerted effort to mind my own business in hopes that others may follow my lead.  And so, I am unplugging...for now. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

City Boy Talks camping

To say that my brother is high strung is like saying that Oprah is well off.  He is wound higher and tighter than Hiedi Montags new cheeks.  When I asked my little city sib if he was interested in camping with us in June his reaction was priceless.

Brother:What is it, like, this camping thing? Like what do you do?
Me:I'm a little confused as to what it is you are asking.  You can't be telling me that you don't know what camping is, right?
Brother:  Well like details, like do we sleep in a car, the woods, a teepee? 

A Teepee? Is he serious? 

Shell shocked Sister of Clearly Disturbed Brother: This is not something new.  Have you never seen Parent Trap or any scary movie where teens venture into the woods to camp only to find out that they are camping on the very hill that a son murdered his mother on and has since never been seen?  Camping is not a foreign concept, why are you so baffled?
Clearly Disturbed Brother of Shell Shocked Sister: Im pumped, this is going to be so fun.  Are there bears there?  I'm not even gonna shower while I'm there.

Oh Boy.

Since our camping convo my brother has called a dozen times to confirm details.  He has decided how the tents should be set up around the fire.  He has studied the DICKS catalogue like it will somehow turn him into the Park Ranger of his dreams.  He has most likely told all of his friends and spent a fortune on outfits fit for camping.  My guess is he has purchased a pocket knife, a compass, a lantern and a weeks worth of Astronaut Ice Cream.  If there is one thing that I can say about my city slicker brother is that he will be prepared.  He will also probably leave the woods of Vermont a little dissappointed that he did not get to Macgyver his way out of a sticky situation, save his family from a rabid bear or even have to rub 2 sticks together to make a fire.  But it will be fun, and you bet your ass I'll have a few more stories to tell so stay tuned!