Maternal Instinct

I must seek out the Higher Being whomever he/she may be and thank him/her for my maternal instincts.  Last night, I stayed at my fathers house because his wife is away and he needed some company...and someone to make him dinner.  Being that there is no TV in the guest room or the room that used to belong to me and is now referred to as Little Man's room, I usually sleep on the couch.  I like to fall asleep to the calming sounds of some murder taking place on Law and Order.  Little Man, unable to sleep on his own yet ( I know he is 2 and half, shut up, you have no idea, I don't need your advice or your input you stupid childless ass that is sure to tell me that I need to break that habit) so he curls his little body at my feet on the couch.  It was at least three times in the night that I was compelled to wake from a deep sleep and check on him- and all three times he was inches from falling head first onto the hard wood floor....mothers instinct???? I think so.

While I have your attention Higher Being, and I started with a thank you, I must ask you a few of life's tougher questions. 
1. How is it that we can have diet- pizza, soda, beer, chocolate and not have diet wine?  I don't get it?  Can you please figure this one out so that I don't have to resort to the dreaded- cutting down or god forbid working out?  Thanks.
2. Ugly People...need I say more?  Are they the product of your bad creation days?  How do you think they feel about their uneven eyes and bulbous noses?  Really, that wasn't nice of you...I'm just saying.
3.  Request- Next time you are thinking about robbing some innocent children of their wonderful mother by taking her from them before they are even grown ups- can you just think about Lindsay Lohan..and reconsider?
4.  Does it get me anywhere when I pray to you to- for instance a) help me stay between the yellow lines b) qualify for that credit card c) not let anyone notice that my love handles have taken on a mind of their own?

I feel like I should end on a good note... hmmmm...Thanks for the Tata's- they have been a life saver on numerous occasions!