Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bathing Beauties

This weekend I came to a revelation.  The majority of the bodies on the beach- In Vermont anyway- are well... lets just say not awe inspiring.  When bathing suit season rolls into town- I go into panic mode.  I stock up on green tea, Sally Hansen Air Brush legs, and clothing that promises to slim.  One year I bought an at home seaweed wrap and had to ask Honey to help Saran Wrap me from head to toe.  I didn't lose anything except maybe a little of Honeys admiration. 
Anyway back to the point of the rant.  While sitting on the beach in my sexy Marylin Monroe esq cover up, I surveyed the area.  People watching is my favorite sport and one that I am remarkably good at.  Let me paint the picture for you.
To my left was a mother of tween boys- clearly oblivious to their bratty behavior and also clearly oblivious to the fact that unless you are Jennifer Anniston- women should retire the bikini when the body starts heading south.  Behind me- skinny 16 year old blonde that was there just to taunt me.  I could feel her looking at me and saying "OMG, I am sooooo never having kids, I think I'll adopt so that I can eat what ever I want and still have an ass the size of a soft ball."
Next to Twiggy was her chubby friend in an equally small bathing suit.  Chubby was most likely there to make Twiggy feel even thinner- much like the massive amounts of leg makeup that I slathered on my entire body pre beach.
To my right, the trashy girls with their over weight children and endless supply of cigarettes which they felt okay smoking while holding obese children.  Combined all three moms age was maybe 38 and combined they had 5 children with them.  They were of proper age to be wearing bikinis but they missed the no bikinis after stretch mark memo.
Im going to hell. I know this.
In front of me was the mother that waited to have a little dorkie child until her 40s.  She was wearing Berkenstocks and a tee shirt over her bathing suit.  I almost thanked her for that.  Her child was hyper active and pale.  He was in a wetsuit because older moms are nuerotic.  He acted younger than his age because I am sure Berkenstock mother didn't believe in public education therefor her nerdy little son is most likely homeschooled.  He probably has a scheduled play date with another nerdy child once a week at the food co-op.
Not far from us was the family reunion group.  They had their fold-a-chairs in a circle- all facing eachother.  The had no beer, on Memorial day weekend...I was glad to not be in that family.
I try my hardest to make the most out of my catty-ness.  I try to learn a lesson from my endless judgement of others.  This weekend I learned that I should lose the cover up and rock the bikini- not only do I only have a few more years of acceptability but compared to the average beach goer I look like Gisele!


Caitlin Canty said...

love it! especially the 40+ birkenstocks mom. I hope that's not me in a few years...

Morgan U said...

You are not even close to 40+ haha arent they always the nuerotic parents of pasty nerdy children though!

Sarah said...

I just laughed too loud at work. Love it!