Friday, October 21, 2011

Walloping Asses and Will Power

Cardio is my nemesis. I hate it. I hate it as much as I hate water, and will power and Tyra Banks. But I know it is necessary. You know why it is necessary? Because as I was jogging around the yard with a resistance band held out in front of me, making me look like some exercise crazed Zombie, my ass was walloping. That is the only word I can think of. It was like it was its own creature and I created a voice for it. My ass’s voice sounds like James Earl Jones on Quaaludes. It says to me “keeeep woooorking at it Blondie!” Beth and I have decided that the smaller my ass gets the higher its voice will get. I won’t be content until my ass sounds like Justin Bieber.... And Beth is happy to make me squat my way to a high pitched ass.

Beth also confronted me about my lack of water intake. Apparently ice in my wine is not enough, especially when working out with Jillian Michaels more feminine twin twice a week. It was a tough sell- first she promised me better agility…blah blah blah, more stamina…who cares. Then, she reminded me that it will help me lose weight faster-enter ass that can sing like the Biebs. Now you’re talking Beth the Death. Now you’re speaking my language.

Next week I am left to my own devices. Next week my will power will be tested- it has never passed a single test in all 30 years that I have been hiding it under my bed. That means I am going to need a lot of support, praise and encouragement from y’all (I sometimes pretend to be southern). I do not see Beth until November 1st and I want to make her proud. I will drink my water- I am actually doing that right now, ugh! And I will work out on my own. Not tomorrow night, tomorrow night is Friday and working out on Friday night is against my morale beliefs. I will however do a Cardio DVD Saturday and try and convince my boyfriend and son to go for a hike on Sunday. I will also wear cute work out gear all weekend and put my hair extensions in and pretend that my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills look is effortless and normal for a weekend around the house. Oh yeah and I will keep y’all informed of my progress, ya hear?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Intimate Moments with Blue Balls

Typing this blog hurts a bit. That is because yesterday Beth the Death put my upper body through one hell of a work out and I am reminded of this every time I move. Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, I am not uncomfortable but I do feel in desperate need of a massage. Usually if I want a massage I have to first…well never mind.

Some of the moves that Beth had me doing last night, I was convinced she was doing for her own entertainment. You see, Beth is probably 5ft 8in tall. I on the other hand am 5ft 4in tall and that is when I remember to stand up straight. What seems like a mere 4 inch difference is actually a huge difference when traipsing your body over a large exercise ball. You see Beth looks like one should look when doing backwards sit ups on the giant blue (I swear) ball. She looks like she is..well…exercising. I on the other hand look like I am having an intimate moment with said blue ball. After I was done with that particular set I felt like I should buy the giant blue ball dinner, leave it my number and promise that I will be gentler next time if given the chance. If that giant blue ball were an animate object it would take my number, crumple it into a ball and throw it in the trash. It would then call one of its ball friends and together they would laugh at my awkwardness. As I am sure Beth did when she got home.

I must admit to you, as I did to Beth that I have not really been keeping up with my end of the bargain 100%. I haven’t been great about lowering my caloric intake and I am still not a big fan of water. It’s not that I eat unhealthily- just ask my boyfriend who is convinced that I am trying to kill him by feeding him an abundance of veggies and low calorie foods. But my caloric intake is probably over the 1500 calorie a day diet that I vowed to follow in order to look like Daisy Duke by January. Soooo, as Beth said yesterday at my training session- admission is the first step. So here goes…

Hi, My name is Morgan and I am an alcoholic...Shit...That’s not it. Hi my name is Morgan and I am not going to look hot in a string bikini come January if I continue to consume whatever it is (wine) that I have been consuming. I will feel frumpy forever, hide from spaghetti straps and buy stock in Sally Hansen air brush legs in an effort to mask the bumpiness that will forever cover my upper thigh and ample bottom area. I will make excuses and most likely become funnier because that is what I do when I am unhappy with my appearance. This is my truth if I cannot put the wine bottle down or pass on the potatoes.

Here is the pledge that I hope to be saying come January- “Damn! I’m a sexy bitch!”

Tonight is another session with Beth and I plan to give it my all. Vacation is 12 weeks away and if I am going to be in a bikini for 90% of that vacation- I’m gonna rock it!!!

Friday, October 14, 2011


Workouts, Whining and Wings

I have changed the nick name for Beth. It is no longer Rocking Body Beth, It is Beth the Death as in that skinny little thing is going to be the death of me. After Tuesdays work out I was feeling quite sore. By quite sore I mean that every time I walked down a flight of stairs I seriously contemplated just tucking, rolling and praying for a safe landing. I hovered over the toilet seat like a germ-a-phoebe- not afraid of catching venereal diseases but afraid that I would not be able to get back up.

Wednesday, instead of doing a nice stretching routine or a brisk walk, I did a twenty minute yoga DVD concentrating on hips, thighs and buns. My logic behind this clearly asinine idea was that I was going to Wing night, as I do every Wednesday and I wanted to not feel guilty about the 6 wings and three(maybe four) glasses of wine that accompanied them. Bad idea. I have now decided to skip the toilet all together.

Yesterday, Beth the Death was back at my door. And she took no pity on me when I whined of sore nether regions. Minutes into the work out I was actually feeling better. I was sweating it out and getting a good stretch. The work out itself actually goes by very quickly and Beth knows just the right things to say to me such as “black bikini”, “this is great for your butt” and “almost done.” Another great thing about working out so hard is that it forces me to drink water. When I’m not exercising I often skip water all together. I take that back, I put ice in my white wine so I get a bit of water but not much. I notice that when I am drinking water the weight falls off even faster. Now if I only I can find a way to make water taste like fermented grapes and give me a buzz, life would be grand!

When the work out was done, I was sweaty, shaky and spent, but it was a great feeling. Beth’s workouts really work for me. They are different every time which is great because I have severe ADD. Every few minutes we are doing something else- which makes every set doable. And just when I think I can’t do it any longer I close my eyes and picture Jessica Simpson on stage in mom jeans. That helps…

Wish me luck over the weekend. I wonder if Sexercise counts as one of my work outs???

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Feel the Burn

In an effort to get a reduced rate on personal training sessions, I have agreed to be the model client for Killington Bootcamp. This means that I am working out 2x's a week with Beth Roberts and allowing her to track my progress on her website. Little did she know when striking a deal with me that I am an attention whore and would have done so gladly regardless of a discounted rate. Anyway, the first time that I worked out with Beth (I call her Rockin Body Beth behind her back), I seriously contemplated developing an eating disorder. Surely binging and hurling would be far easier than doing the amount of squats that she requires. Then I remembered that the reason that I am doing this is not only for vanity reasons but for my health. I am thirty years old and have a 3 year old and I feel that I need to make exercise a part of my lifestyle before it is too late. Plus, a thirty year old woman with an eating disorder is up there with a thirty year old man with braces in my book. Oh, that and eating disorders are terrible (my attempt at political correctness).

I am a curvy girl. I have big boobs and an ass that rivals that of the middle Kardashian sister. I gain weight quickly and fortunately I lose weight quickly. I frequently fluctuate with in a ten pound range. I am miserable and unhappy with myself when I am on the upside of that range and I am perfectly happy with myself and I won't deny t a bit cocky when I am at the lower half of that range. I feel like Jessica Simpson and at the moment I am the fat Jessica Simpson- you know the one that is marrying an unemployed guy. I want to be the Jessica Simpson of the Dukes of know the one that rocked it in a pink bikini that every man in America has tattooed in their memories?

My super fabulous and wonderful boyfriend and I are taking a tropical vacation in January and there is no room in my suitcase for Spanx. I want to lay on the beach in comfort and then go home and put a million pics of my rock hard bikini body on facebook so that people say-"I can't believe she as a child!" Listen, I'm okay with being vain..I embrace it.

There are a few things that usually stand in my way of being skinny Jessica Simpson. 1. I like food- especially carbs. 2. I like wine- especially when drunk by the bottle. 3. I am lazy. 4. I have no will power. This is where Beth comes in (poor girl). When I have Beth in my life I am more conscious of what goes in my mouth ( That's what she said). I work so hard that I don't want to throw it away over a Margarita and some nachos. Her presence in my living room 2 times a week gives me just enough motivation during the rest of the week to up my activities other than wine drinking. Lets face it, if left to my own devices, I, like current J.S. engaged to unemployed guy will not do squats and planks in my living room. No, I , when left alone will watch reality television with a Magnum of Sauvignon Blanc and enough Thai food for 4.

Please stay tuned, I hope that my fourteen week journey is one that you can relate to. I hope that we can keep each other motivated so please leave comments, and encouragements on my page. If you are not sure what to say I will give you a few examples of acceptable encouragement: Wow Morgan your ass is the size of a grapefruit!; You are the hottest person on the planet!; I know someone in Hollywood that needs to meet you! etc. check back in with me on Friday after my second session! Pic of me as fat Jessica Simpson.