Friday, April 30, 2010

Tank You Wary Much

I figured I would give the Thai restaurant in town the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, the reason that there are NEVER any cars in the parking lot is that this is VT. Vermonters consider Taco Bell a perfectly acceptable restaurant when craving food of a foreign land. Thai food does not appeal to many of the meat and potato people that populate the whitest state in the United States. I on the other, classy hand (huh hmmm) love to tantalize my taste buds with flavors of a foreign decent. Thai Star- here I come.

My lunch date and I arrive and optimistically proclaim that we were in the mood to have our own restaurant today anyway...right?

When handed menus by the little prepubescent Asian (not sure if Thai) girl, my lunch partner, whom I will refer to as Harley asked what the specials were.

Um...Thai Teen looks down at the teal carpet and shrugs...I don't know. She walks away.

Harley and I are left to look at menus that say Lunch Special with no idea what the particular special is. We debate whether or not she is going to the kitchen to ask or whether she is hoping that we are content guessing. When she comes back carrying what appears to be 2 Orange Creamsicles with straws poked in them (our Thai sweet tea) and then stares blankly at us we decide the latter of the guesses was correct.

Harley, looking for a bit more input from Thai Teen asks what the soup is, that comes with the "Your Guess Is As Good As Mine" Special.

Um...eyes instinctively to the teal carpet a second time. No, I don't sink because it is warm.

Knowing that I should not make eye contact with Harley, I resort to staring at the teal carpet myself, only unlike Thai Teen I am shaking uncontrollably in an over the top, completely inappropriate fit of laughter. We order what we hope will be in fact a special lunch. I do so while rudely laughing in her pimply little face. I just can't help it.

At this point Harley and I are unsure if we are getting soup at all- did she mean it is too warm outside for soup? Did she realize that it was about 40 degrees inside the empty restaurant? Would I even eat the soup at this point, because if she had been in the US long enough to know that you spit in the food of rude customers, I was sure to get a loogey in mine.

We didn't get any soup. I got a delicious green shrimp curry and Harley said his sweet and sour pork was lovely. I’m glad that I gave Thai Star a chance; I got a great meal with a dear friend and a blog all in about 30 minutes!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Mother Nature...It's Time To Talk

Dear Mother Nature,

Although I have been complaining that my body is no where near the condition that it should be in for the Skimpier clothes that spring demands, I did not want you to bring winter back. I do appreciate being able to wear the bulky sweater today which allows me the freedom of not sucking in, however I had vowed to myself that this year would be the last year that I hang on to my youth by wearing UGG boots. I had completely planned on retiring them, along with my twenties and yet you spring snow on me the last week of April. Mother Nature, I am not impressed. My faux glow that I have been slathering on religiously since the snow melted now looks a little absurd with the turtle neck sweater. I look like "Malibu Barbie in the Arctic". Here's the thing, Winter makes me depressed...Depression makes me drink...Drinking makes me pack on the pounds...packing on the pounds makes me depressed...which makes me drink…It's an endless cycle and it is all your fault. No offense.

Here's what I am going to need you to do. Get rid of the white shit that makes me fat. Replace it with weather that reminds me that summer is coming. When I know that summer is coming I am more likely to exercise, which will make me thin, which will make me happy, which I will celebrate with…a drink.

Any Questions?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hair Band Hero

The thing with bangs is that they are just not a good idea for people like me. You know people that give themselves 30 minutes in the morning to get themselves and their toddler dressed, and in the car headed to work/daycare. People like me who regularly can’t find their hairbrush- or the last one that they had, being that the first two have already disappeared somewhere in the house where all the socks, hair elastics and the cordless phone are. People whose hair dryer quit performing after the Pretty Much Hubby used it to dry his track pants. People like me do not need bangs.

I’m spending the day looking like the Lead Singer of White Snake because the bangs that I decided on a whim that I had to have are un-brushed, un blow dried and untamed. I can’t get too near anyone because I didn’t brush my teeth today, because the toothpaste had its last effective squeeze yesterday. I wasn’t too concerned with my appearance, or smell for that matter. At least I showed up to work in real shoes and not the slippers that I showed up in last week. But wouldn’t you know it, that I get invited to see people after work, people whom unlike my coworkers I care what they think of me. People that will no doubt take one look at me in my whacked out hair glory and feel pity for the young disheveled mother that I have become. Had I shown up dressed to the nines today, having spent an extra bit of time to fake tan and well, geez, floss, I wouldn’t have been invited to do a thing. Pretty Much Hubby would call and say he was running late and by the time he would arrive home I would have been in my evening uniform of yoga pants, leopard print bathrobe and giant goblet of wine. My time and effort to look like a modern woman in her prime would have been wasted on my co workers who could care less if I show up dressed like Dr Quinn Medicine Woman. And so I go, out into the world where excuses of tiredness and laziness will not fly…looking like David Coverdale.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Popcorns and Pine Cream Cones

Day one of my staycation- and Little Man is home sick. There goes my sleeping in, coffee in bed, Regis and Kelly and day to pop out a few chapters in the novel I have decided to write.  Luckily, after a night of sickening symptoms that I won't make you suffer through- Little Man seems his chipper self today.  After lazily fromping our way through the morning, I decided to swing into gear and enjoy the day with my minnie me.  I figured a hike was in order. Now don't get the wrong impression of me, I don't do this often- I don't own hiking books and I didn't bring a backpack full of organic snacks nor a can to carry home critters.  Actually I went for a walk and veered a bit off course- ending up ditching the stroller and playing pretend jungle with my very imaginitive two year old on the VAST trail. 

Mommy is this a popcorns?
No LM, thats an acorn.

Mommy, look at the bing (big) Pine Cream Cone he proudly says as he holds the trophy size Pine Cone in the air.

I tell him that that is the biggest Pine Cream Cone that I have ever seen, and feeling content with my response he throws it in the woods and moves on.  I am not sure how far we walked, could have been half a mile could have been 2.  LM jumped off of every big rock he saw and tripped over every rock bigger than a pebble that bravely stood in his path.  He kicked leaves, and ate dirt.  He broke a stick in half while making a face like a weight lifters.  Did I mention that he tripped?
I may have been a bit disappointed that my day was not going to  be spent in solitaire at first, but its managed to be quite a great afternoon... not to mention the hour on Magic Mountain has put Little Man in a wonderfully deep nap- so I write.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Resurrections and Bunnies?

Quick question for you- how did we get a bunny that lays chocolate eggs and jelly beans (do bunnies even lay eggs, arent they mammals?) out of the resurrection of Christ (Jesus is Christ right, or is that God?)?  And which came first the cavity creating rabbit or Jesus?  And why did the Chicken cross the road?  I am so confused.  As if things in this world didnt confuse me enough- you have to go ahead and mix Religion and Hallmark together.  What am I going to do when my son asks me about holidays? 

Mommy why do we have Easter? 

Well Little Man you see, Easter is so that Mommy can drink champagne with her breakfast, and you can have skittles with yours.

But why? (Because this stage is next, I can just feel it)
Because, honey, if I didn't have a reason for it, then they would have to put me in a you want Mommy to go to a clinic?

Okay, then.  Eat you skittles.

Hope eveyone had a happy Easter.  I know we did...well, that's what I was told anyway.