Thursday, October 20, 2011

Intimate Moments with Blue Balls

Typing this blog hurts a bit. That is because yesterday Beth the Death put my upper body through one hell of a work out and I am reminded of this every time I move. Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, I am not uncomfortable but I do feel in desperate need of a massage. Usually if I want a massage I have to first…well never mind.

Some of the moves that Beth had me doing last night, I was convinced she was doing for her own entertainment. You see, Beth is probably 5ft 8in tall. I on the other hand am 5ft 4in tall and that is when I remember to stand up straight. What seems like a mere 4 inch difference is actually a huge difference when traipsing your body over a large exercise ball. You see Beth looks like one should look when doing backwards sit ups on the giant blue (I swear) ball. She looks like she is..well…exercising. I on the other hand look like I am having an intimate moment with said blue ball. After I was done with that particular set I felt like I should buy the giant blue ball dinner, leave it my number and promise that I will be gentler next time if given the chance. If that giant blue ball were an animate object it would take my number, crumple it into a ball and throw it in the trash. It would then call one of its ball friends and together they would laugh at my awkwardness. As I am sure Beth did when she got home.

I must admit to you, as I did to Beth that I have not really been keeping up with my end of the bargain 100%. I haven’t been great about lowering my caloric intake and I am still not a big fan of water. It’s not that I eat unhealthily- just ask my boyfriend who is convinced that I am trying to kill him by feeding him an abundance of veggies and low calorie foods. But my caloric intake is probably over the 1500 calorie a day diet that I vowed to follow in order to look like Daisy Duke by January. Soooo, as Beth said yesterday at my training session- admission is the first step. So here goes…

Hi, My name is Morgan and I am an alcoholic...Shit...That’s not it. Hi my name is Morgan and I am not going to look hot in a string bikini come January if I continue to consume whatever it is (wine) that I have been consuming. I will feel frumpy forever, hide from spaghetti straps and buy stock in Sally Hansen air brush legs in an effort to mask the bumpiness that will forever cover my upper thigh and ample bottom area. I will make excuses and most likely become funnier because that is what I do when I am unhappy with my appearance. This is my truth if I cannot put the wine bottle down or pass on the potatoes.

Here is the pledge that I hope to be saying come January- “Damn! I’m a sexy bitch!”

Tonight is another session with Beth and I plan to give it my all. Vacation is 12 weeks away and if I am going to be in a bikini for 90% of that vacation- I’m gonna rock it!!!