While She was Gone

Beth is back. I didn’t have good news for her when she arrived at my door- kettle bell in hand. I wanted to tell her that I did everything she told me to do- I wanted to tell her that I have given up wine and had fallen in love with exercise. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t eat any Halloween candy and that I said no to pasta…Here is what I did tell her


Ummmm….I didn’t get a chance to exercise. I had a little bit more water than normal and a little less wine…yesterday I had skittles for breakfast. And if you don’t come to my house and force me to work out- it’s not gonna happen.

At least she has job security. She also has a sick obsession with squats. Especially squat thrusts. No, this is not some exciting new sexual position only to be found in Cosmo magazine. This is a mix between a squat, a plank and a backwards jump. Having trouble picturing it? Try doing it! Not only do I look ridiculous in the yard squat thrusting my way to physical perfection, but I choose to be doing this as my boyfriend’s employees are parking the trucks in the driveway for the night. I can only imagine what they must be thinking as I am swearing- ass up in the air with Beth the Death encouraging me by saying “Black Bikini”, and “Bye bye Oprah arms”. What must be running through the minds of these plumbers walking by, trying not to laugh at my awkward position?

I cannot tell you what is running through their minds but I can tell you what is running through mine… This bitch is crazy. If I don’t look like Daisy Duke by January I am going to kill her. Who does this anyway? I feel like I am on Biggest Loser right now! If she goes in my house and opens my fridge and confiscates my wine there will be bloodshed. Wine…do I have any? At my next break I should put it in the freezer because after these squat thrusts I am going to need a refreshingly cold beverage. Is it time to stretch yet?

Here is what I can only imagine is going through Beth’s mind.

If this girl thinks she can joke her way to fit she has another thing coming. She better get serious because I am tracking her progress for my website. Maybe I should confiscate her wine.

Luckily, BTD is giving me until next Thursday to do my measurements and report my progress. As I was working on my arms she did say that she recognized that I had some definition that wasn’t there before. Yeah! And I can say one thing for sure- my exercise routine has out lasted Kim Kardashian’s marriage! That in itself is success in my book!