Officer Cry Baby

Recently for my real job- I call it my real job because I have many imaginary ones. For example I am a star of the Real Housewives of Rutland County reality show, I am Tom Brady’s personal masseuse and of course a famous writer. Any way as I began- as an obligation to the job that is not only in existence in my head, I attended a meeting based on hiring the men and women that are returning from active duty in our Armed Forces. Let me preface this piece with my utter humbleness and pride that I hold for such Americans that have a selfless gene that I have not. Secondly, I agreed with each presenter that spoke and full heartedly believe that these returning soldiers deserve the support of the citizens that they put their lives in danger to protect and serve.


Having said that I can go back to being me. In high school partially due to the fact that I have a unisex name, I would constantly be hounded by Army recruiters- by phone, and by mail. To those of you that know me, I am sure that at least a little of the corner of your lip turned up at the thought of me…in the Army. For those of you that don’t know me, I am sure the above sentence about my dream job as a filmed housewife might give you a bit of an inclination as to my pastimes and character, neither of which there is much room for in the Army.

I picture Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin. I cannot handle being yelled at. I cry. In fact, I cry when I am doing laundry and I have run out of dryer sheets, I cry when my favorite girl does not receive a rose at the rose ceremony on an episode of the Bachelor, I cry e-v-e-r-y time I watch The Notebook, The Lion King and the episode of King of Queens when Carrie loses the baby. Can you imagine how I would handle some big man up in my face, spit-screaming at me because I am not much of a morning person or because I simply asked where the Sauvignon Blanc was in the mess hall?

I am pretty fit; I can do yoga in a 100 degree room. I have done fitness boot camps and I am no stranger to the treadmill but Army boot camp seems a bit extreme for me. I have never signed up for an early morning exercise class. I like to get my work outs done right after work so that immediately after I can reward myself with a glass of wine. Also, none of the exercises that I participate in have involved my need for a gas mask and or removal of leaches from my body post work out. Sometimes I even count just putting work out gear on and sitting on the couch as a good enough attempt. Not sure doing the same with my fatigues would be acceptable.

Speaking of fatigues…where do I even begin. Although thanks to the Kardashians the one piece jumpsuits are in this year, I have yet to see any that are head to toe camouflage. I prefer less thick material to show the curves I have worked so hard to get. I have never seen a flattering Army uniform, and what is with the slicked back bun or braid? This is simply a look that cannot be pulled off. Oh, I forgot to mention that I cry when I am feeling unattractive. Waking up every morning to the one piece brown and green canvas jumpsuit and slicked back bun would have me crying a river before sun up daily.

Folks, we haven’t even left boot camp let alone combat. Just the word combat frightens me- it sounds like a poisonous snake. What we have learned here is that the returning troops need our support and need jobs. Overall they make strong candidates for most positions in most fields as they possess leadership, courage, determination, commitment, and perseverance. Many of them are young in age but have life experiences well beyond their years. These men and women fought for us and we need to help fight for them… What we also learned is that the military is not for everyone and I did my part in protecting our country by staying as far from the battle ground as possible!