Thursday, March 24, 2011

If I were a Star...

It's no secret that celebrities like Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez flaunt their fame by making the most ridiculous of demands when it comes to what must be in their dressing rooms/ tour busses and hotel rooms prior to their grande arrivals.  Mariah Carey has been said to bathe both herself and her dog in nothing but mineral water and needs a new toilet seat installed wherever she desides to sit her fat ass.  Jennifer Lopez requires hotel rooms to be redone from top to bottom to ensure that everything is white.  Apparently she wants herself and her husband to be the only things of color in the room.
 This makes me wonder- if I were living a life as fabulously lavish as theirs..what would I demand?  I get excited stealing little bottles of shampoo and shower caps that I will never use.  But..if I could demand anything...
I would start with Red bull.  I want 5 Redbulls.  They must be ice cold.  They also must be the non sugar free kind however, they must be in the Sugar Free can to make me believe that I am drinking something that has no calories yet does not taste like horse piss.  I would also like a TV on the ceiling, the left of the bed and the right of the bed all turned on to Jersey Shore so that I dont have to be even a little uncomfortable while watching the tornado that is Snookie.  Speaking of the bed- I would like a pillow- directly in the middle of the bed that is embroidered with "The Princess Sleeps Here".  The embroidery must be pink and it must be made by a small child in a foreign country.  I will absolutely need a sushi chef on hand at all times.  I would like him to be Japanese and okay with me calling him Dan.  In the bathroom I would like the towels to remain at 100 degrees farenheit without question.  I will also need the water running at all times in case I need to shower- as I dont want to have to touch the handle to turn it on.  The toilet seat shall be heated and adorned with a cashmere cover.  There must be rose petals floating in the water- because when I am a celebrity I know that my shit will smell like roses.  I would like a butler to follow me around at all times- reminding me of my celebrity status and hot ass.  I don't want just any butler I want it to be Gerard Butler.  Now for the fun stuff- I will need 6 bottles of Sauvignon Blanc- I would give you a name brand but I dont know of any that are more than $12.  I need 6 bottles of Prosecco and 3 bottles of Pinot Noir.  I want the bathroom faucet to dispense Cosmo's and for there to be an advil dispenser next to the soap.  It must be possible for all light to be blocked when need be.  One more thing- if I could just ensure that Charlie Sheen and his porn family are in the suite next to mine- I will be all set!

4 comments:

Tressan said...

Best blog ever. I laughed out loud several times reading this. Especially the TVs around the bed... SOOOOO many times I wish I could easily move my TV just so I could more comfortably watch that tornado. :)

MorganU said...

Glad you liked it Tressan! Pass it on- Im trying to expand to more readers!

tammyc said...

holy shit! love it. laughed out loud about mariah's fat ass and should never have been drinking soda when reading about your request for a butler - gerard that is!

tammyc said...

holy shit! love it. laughed out loud over mariah's fat ass & should never have been drinking soda when i came upon your request for a butler - gerard that is. :-)