Friday, September 24, 2010

Dear Oprah,

Dear Oprah,

I do not know how this happened-but somehow I missed the opportunity to compete against other Oprah fans for the opportunity of receiving my own show. Surely, you sent out a memo or sent me a letter personally, and I intend on having some serious WORDS with my postal carrier because the memo was not received. As a true fan of yours, and one that has very real intentions of subscribing to O Magazine and checking with my cable company to see how far back the O network will set me, I feel like I deserve another shot.

You are probably asking yourself “Why should I give this beautiful, talented, hilarious and persuasive woman a second chance?" Let me tell you why. Currently I am not entirely satisfied in with middle class existence. I would prefer to drink more expensive wine and trade date night at Applebee’s in for something a little more French and less chain. I would like to be able to replace my whole roof instead of deciding which rooms it is ok for it to rain in. I have tried to use a round brush on my limp (yet full of potential) hair with no success and there for can think of no other option than to have a stylist. I cannot do this on the slightly shy of $30,000 that I make yearly.

Right now I am considering a few career changes. I have thought about contacting the Bravo network to see if they need a new Top Chef Judge because I am an excellent eater. I sent a resume to Hugh Heffner because I hear he is looking for a new girlfriend and it just so happens that I have recently gone blonde and I applied for the Real World but apparently I am too old and cannot bring my family with me- something about it not being appropriate to have a 3 year old living with 7 drunken 20 year olds. Oprah, I want you to know that if any of my other job interests pan out- I would pick yours first. I actually think I could host your show during the day and judge Top Chef at night, so there is that option as well.

In conclusion, don’t feel bad about my hearing about the job after the fact. We all make mistakes. I once bounced a $2.47 check for a cup of soup. I am not angry with you and I completely understand that you are busy. Take this as an opportunity to make things right. I can start anytime and my salary requirements are negotiable.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

The One and Only

Morgan Urso