Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Lake Monster

I just returned to the real world from a much needed vacation.  This is the time of year that Eccentric Uncle B comes to VT to escape the hustle and bustle of Brooklyn.  You may remember him from last years post "Boxers In Branches".  If not, let me re cap.  Uncle B is the strangest man on the planet.  He washes his clothes every night in the sink with a bar of soap and then decorates the house with sopping wet under shorts.  He permanently smells of moth balls and he has read  every book ever written and watched every movie ever made- most likely on VHS. 

This time I was able to witness a few more quirks that I must have shut out last year.  For example, Uncle B did not particularly care for the creamer that I bought- so instead of using milk and sugar like the rest of the civilized world would do- he decided to sweeten his coffee with Maple Walnut ice cream.  This meant that ever second sip was followed by the crunching of...yes, a walnut.  Nothing like floating nuts in your coffee to start your day off. 

Another Uncle B-ism is his constant discussions of the unknown species.  He asked every visitor that we had- if they had ever seen Big Foot or Thunder Bird.  When disappointed with their negative replies he would fish for something- a cougar? a bear? a giant prehistoric turtle?

Due to severe lack of pigmentation Uncle B makes sure to cover up in the sun.  Not only does he sit in the shade- but at one point he wore a camouflaged visor underneath a straw hat.  When questioned, he explained that the visor was for the glare and the hat was (to embarrass me) for the bald spot on the top of his pasty head.

When in Rome- Do as the Romans Do- I think this is Uncle B's motto while he is here, however apparently he thinks the people of Lake Dunmore bath in the lake - and this includes shaving.  At 9 in the morning I would sit on the screened in porch and watch my 65 year old uncle - with his perky pencil eraser nipples, shaving his face in water up to his knobby knees. 

In efforts to stay on an exercise regime while on vacation I dragged Uncle B on a hike one morning before I even allowed him to have his walnut coffee.  Apparently vigorous exercise was all he needed because instead of a heaping cup of coffee when we got off the trail at ten AM he found a glass of Merlot to be more satisfying.

I really have a thousand other quirky things I could tell you- like his love of Haitian people and disdain for "the Mexicans".  Or about how he doesn't use a pillow case when he has a perfectly good Tee shirt to stuff a pillow in.  I could tell you about his love for his cats Little Miss Audrey and Junior- or about how he has the appetite of a 17 year old Olympian....But for now I will leave you with this.  As strange as he is, he is one of a kind and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else...unless that someone were really rich and I was their only beneficiary :-)


Anonymous said...

Seems like your uncle and my dad have a lot in common! I laughed so hard...

Happy to having you blogging again!
Much Love-

Anonymous said...

There's the old Bumps we used to know

Cari said...

Wow, in some wierd way I can relate to this. My Uncle has his own wierd way, but yes I still love him too.

Cari said...
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