Where the F was I????

 I was watching Entertainment Tonight Monday evening in preparation of the big Dancing with the Stars premier- and there was a segment about Oprah's new show- in which contestants compete for their own television talk show on the O network.  I sprung out of "lounge" pose- straight into "where the f*** was I pose" which is sitting straight up- wine spilling onto my sheets and chin dropped revealing my stained red tongue.  How can this be?  How can there be an opportunity, so clearly put on this planet for ME and I some how missed it.
What was I doing when this announcement was made? And where were my so called friends when they heard of this opportunity?  Something was not right.  Sadly, I was probably potty training, doing dishes, or entering data when the opportunity for greatness presented by the Queen herself passed me by.

Now I am left with the "doing it all on my own" a.k.a "greatness not being handed to me on a silver platter".  I am forced to "work hard" and "start at the bottom".  And all the other crap that I am not interested in. 

So dear friends, readers and stalkers (OMG that would be so cool) please, when you hear of an opportunity like this, one in which I could be catapulted into fame and fortune, pick up the phone and call me.  You will probably get my answering machine.  Do not leave me a message- I do not know how to check them.  Try my cell- again you will get an answering machine- it will still have the last owners voice message- don't bother leaving me one as I have forgotten my pin.  Instead come by my house- knock three times and scream "Oprah" so that I know it is you and not the vacuum cleaner salesman that I made an appointment with and then changed my mind-there for I am pretending to be dead to avoid having to hurt his feelings.  Don't let me down folks...I need this.