Friday, May 29, 2009

Slim in 7 days

I am sure that the writers at Cosmopolitan magazine put extensive research into the recent article How to lose 5 pounds in 7 days. I can't imagine that they would publish an article that would be devoured by chubby women across the country without consulting numerous doctors, nutritionists and fitness trainers right?

I read the promising title and quickly flipped to page 158, bipassing the 75 New Ways to Please Your Man (can there really be 75 new ways, and why should I research that when the only research he is doing is on Power Tools). I can do anything for 7 one week I will be 5 lbs slimmer and half way to my goal weight, Fabulous! Thank god for Cosmo!

Step One- Drink mainly water. Hmm. I don't really like water. I do however put ice cubes in my white wine, that should work.

Step Two- Ban white bread and pasta. This is ok, I can eat meat and veg for 7 days. Although I might have to switch to red wine to go with the meat, and I do not put ice cubes in my red wine. This could be a problem.

Step Three- Cardio 30 minutes per day. ok seriously this does not sound possible. I do not have an extra 30 minutes a day.Hmm, well I guess I could try and get up early..maybe even be on time to work all week, Super I will not only be 5 lbs sexier, I will be a better employee, and super organised!

Step Four- 36 Push ups and lunges every other day- Ok does this count as the cardio or am I now supposed to make room for this as well? Are these people even sane? And where do they get the number 36? If I do 35 will I only lose 4 lbs? This is ludicrous, I hate diets.

Step Five- Sleep thirty more minutes per nite- You just told me I had to get up early and excersize. Ok, so I have to go to bed malnourished at 7 pm so that I can wake up at the crack of dawn to do not 35, not 37 but 36 push ups before heading to work on time. Deep breath it is only for 7 days.

Step six- Make one food sacrifice. Haven't I given up enough? Not having bread and pasta is not enough? I will show them! I will give up lentils! Ha take that.

Step Seven- Have you on top sex daily. Really, I am not that chubby.