Friday, November 27, 2009

Resume, Its Ready

Dear Oprah,
Attached please find my resume.  I am applying for the position of Talk Show Host, now that you have decided to retire.  I think you will find that I am highly qualified.  I have absolutely no some experience and a barely there fantastic work ethic.  I have been entertaining friends my whole life and I am very confident that I would be a great Oprah.

Thank you for your consideration,

Resume of a Highly Qualified Soon-To-Be Talk Show Host

Morgan U
The Sticks, VT 55555
I cant Give you my phone number because I dropped it in the toilet like 6 months ago and am too lazy busy to replace it.

Objective:  To take over where Oprah left off, and make a bazillion dollars so that I can wear fabulous clothes, go on exotic vacations and finish my house, oh and to fulfill my dream of fame becoming a world renound talk show host.

Experience:  I have been entertaining friends, family, and and strangers that accidentally have come across my blog and for some reason have become loyal fans for years.  I don't have much experience with celebrities, but there was a time when Marselis Parsons (our local channel 3 news guy) rescued me from the middle of the lake when pretty much hubbys boat broke down.  I think my dad has a relative that was in a movie too, Ill find out.  Currently, I work as an Executive Assistant which by no means prepares me for being a talk show host, but has inspired me to want my own assistant, which I could afford should Oprahs job be awarded to me.  I am not good at being poor, however, I have all confidence in myself that I would make a great millionaire.

Skills,Accomplishments and Stuff You Should Know:
In high school, I could funnell more beers than any other girl and most of the boys...thank you.
I was Pumpkin Princess in High School, which proves that I am well liked, or was 10 years ago.
I had a 26 hour labor and an 8.5 lb baby with no drugs which shows that I am stupid tough and can handle anything that comes my way.
I love gay men, and alot of them watch your show.  Oh, and gay men love me too!
I can't balance a check book, but with your amount of moola, who needs to?
I am very good at talking, and I think that Dr. Phil and I will get along great, oh and Robin, I cant wait to meet her!
You can keep Gail.  I have my own friends, and like Gail they will be selfless enough to quit there jobs and move to Chicago to happily live off of me.
I love to give away gifts, but I can never afford them, so giving away cars and houses and lypo suction will be new for me, but I think it is a skill that I could learn.
I promise not to be as annoying as Kelly Ripa.
Tom Cruise can jump on my couch anytime he wants.

The Bottom Line:
Oprah, heres the thing.  I need this job.  If you give me this opportunity I swear I wll do a really good job.  There are a few things that I might change though.  Like, with your amount of money, why have the show everyday?  I am going to make it a once a week occurance so that most days I can lay in bed in my new mansion eating sushi and blogging.  Also, I think that I will take summers off.  People shouldn't be inside watching TV in the summer anyway.  I am also going to serve wine to all my studio audience so that I dont feel bad drinking it alone while filming.  Im also going to do away with the magazine, the book club and the school in Africa because with all that I wont have time to rent luxury yachts and party on them with my friends.
The Bottom line is this miss Winfrey, I am the right girl for your job.  Thank you for considering me.  Could you please get back to me ASAP bcause if I dont get this one, I am thinking about offing Ellen.



Caitlin Canty said...

mom and I are roaring over this one! keep em coming!

Teri said...

You made me laugh out loud.....super funny!!

joanna said...

If you don't watch out Oprah may read this and you may yet make it to her couch (you know how I believe making things happen by writing them down.)

Pool boy said...

I was laughing so hard if I had stitches they would be on the floor.
I would totally endorse you, and you know you are going to need a pool boy, don't tell MQ he will only get jealous and want me for himself.

Now I have to go back and read all the ones I missed

Morgan U said...

Pool Boy- reveal yourself!!!! Im dying to know who you are!

Anonymous said...

Morgan! How funny are you. You had Fan and I from hello. Let's face it I'm sick of Oprah - can you believe no gifts this year! No wonder she's stepping down. Maybe you should send your resume to Saturday Night Live?? Don't they get summers off, work only one day- Saturdays, and party down in the city? Send us some comp. tickets when you hit it big - we love to get away to the city where nobody knows our name!

Anonymous said...

Those storeys are great. I would agree your plan sounds much better. That sure is some funny stuff. Keep them cumming!! HA!