Resume, Its Ready

Dear Oprah,
Attached please find my resume.  I am applying for the position of Talk Show Host, now that you have decided to retire.  I think you will find that I am highly qualified.  I have absolutely no some experience and a barely there fantastic work ethic.  I have been entertaining friends my whole life and I am very confident that I would be a great Oprah.

Thank you for your consideration,
MorganU

Resume of a Highly Qualified Soon-To-Be Talk Show Host

Morgan U
The Sticks, VT 55555
I cant Give you my phone number because I dropped it in the toilet like 6 months ago and am too lazy busy to replace it.

Objective:  To take over where Oprah left off, and make a bazillion dollars so that I can wear fabulous clothes, go on exotic vacations and finish my house, oh and to fulfill my dream of fame becoming a world renound talk show host.

Experience:  I have been entertaining friends, family, and and strangers that accidentally have come across my blog and for some reason have become loyal fans for years.  I don't have much experience with celebrities, but there was a time when Marselis Parsons (our local channel 3 news guy) rescued me from the middle of the lake when pretty much hubbys boat broke down.  I think my dad has a relative that was in a movie too, Ill find out.  Currently, I work as an Executive Assistant which by no means prepares me for being a talk show host, but has inspired me to want my own assistant, which I could afford should Oprahs job be awarded to me.  I am not good at being poor, however, I have all confidence in myself that I would make a great millionaire.

Skills,Accomplishments and Stuff You Should Know:
In high school, I could funnell more beers than any other girl and most of the boys...thank you.
I was Pumpkin Princess in High School, which proves that I am well liked, or was 10 years ago.
ummmm..
I had a 26 hour labor and an 8.5 lb baby with no drugs which shows that I am stupid tough and can handle anything that comes my way.
I love gay men, and alot of them watch your show.  Oh, and gay men love me too!
I can't balance a check book, but with your amount of moola, who needs to?
I am very good at talking, and I think that Dr. Phil and I will get along great, oh and Robin, I cant wait to meet her!
You can keep Gail.  I have my own friends, and like Gail they will be selfless enough to quit there jobs and move to Chicago to happily live off of me.
I love to give away gifts, but I can never afford them, so giving away cars and houses and lypo suction will be new for me, but I think it is a skill that I could learn.
I promise not to be as annoying as Kelly Ripa.
Tom Cruise can jump on my couch anytime he wants.

The Bottom Line:
Oprah, heres the thing.  I need this job.  If you give me this opportunity I swear I wll do a really good job.  There are a few things that I might change though.  Like, with your amount of money, why have the show everyday?  I am going to make it a once a week occurance so that most days I can lay in bed in my new mansion eating sushi and blogging.  Also, I think that I will take summers off.  People shouldn't be inside watching TV in the summer anyway.  I am also going to serve wine to all my studio audience so that I dont feel bad drinking it alone while filming.  Im also going to do away with the magazine, the book club and the school in Africa because with all that I wont have time to rent luxury yachts and party on them with my friends.
The Bottom line is this miss Winfrey, I am the right girl for your job.  Thank you for considering me.  Could you please get back to me ASAP bcause if I dont get this one, I am thinking about offing Ellen.

Sincerely,
MorganU