Monday, January 31, 2011

One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest

The following entry is a backwards time line of my weekend- enjoy!!!

2:00 pm Sunday – Stepmother, father and I bid goodbye to Vee (my 87 year old grandmother), she is in her new apartment at the elderly community. Her neighbors Camilla and Harold have just introduced themselves and already the three are singing- out of tune, but none of them seem to notice…except for the three of us in the room that do not have hearing aids. Minutes earlier when we told Harold that our unusual last name is of Sicilian decent he went on for a minute about having been to Russia…???

1:38 PM Sunday- We pass a sign for a Super Bowl Sunday Party taped to the door of the library…the party starts at 1pm?? The game starts at 6:30…Dad wonders out loud if they are going to show last year’s game

1:35 pm Sunday: We have just finished a barely edible lunch at Café Coo coo’s Nest and my father is testing my grandmother’s ability to find her way back to apartment 104. We arrive at a door- there is only one option- to push the blue square button, with the international sign for handicapped that annoys me on a daily basis by claiming all the good parking places. After a long pause my father informs my grandmother Vee to press the blue button. She stares at the button and her hand hovers above it. “That one” my father yells. Vee informs us that she is confused because we told her it was blue??…..It is bluer than Tiger Woods balls these days and yet Vee is unable to see this.

1:PM Sunday- We arrive at the restaurant located in the new community. There is walker parking to the right of the doors. When we walk in a waitress is inches from a mans face speaking very loudly “SPRINKLES??? DO YOUUU WAANT SPRINKLES???” The man looks at her and shakes his head- apparently she is not speaking clearly or loudly enough. My father, stepmother and I are the only people in the restaurant under the age of 80, the only ones in the restaurant with hair that is either not there, white or blue.

11:55 pm- Saturday: My Stepmother fights the urge to rip my grandmother’s head off when she asks us why we are so tired. We have only spent the last 10 hours moving all of her worldly possessions and cleaning an apartment that has not been cleaned since before Madonna became a Brit.

4:00 pm- Walking into Vee’s new apartment a neighbor with a cane and an oxygen tank asks me if I am the new neighbor. I make a mental note to look into Botox!

9:33 am Saturday- I pop open a Corona…

8:30 am Saturday- Stepmother and I arrive at Vee’s apartment to move her out. She is confused as to why she is being evicted. We remind her that she almost burnt the place down…twice. She claims that they over reacted- by they she means the neighbors and landlord who value their lives. I have a headache and really bad cotton mouth.

9:00 PM Friday Night- Vee calls my stepmother and I for a third time at my aunts house to ask what the plan for tomorrow is. Again we tell her that we will be at her apartment at 8 AM to mover her into the “new place”. We hang up with “Talk to you again in ten minutes when this thought has left you.”

7:30 PM Friday Night- Stepmother and I arrive at Aunt Lisa’s for the night. We are met by a very angry Mr. Aunt Lisa. He and Mrs. Aunt Lisa are supposed to be leaving for Mexico in the morning. He has just found out that his passport expired in November. Stepmother and I are amazed at the calmness that Aunt Lisa is showing. We are again reminded that Aunt Lisa lives in a wonderful little bubble where things like this happen a lot and go un-phased. Mr. Aunt Lisa takes his anger to the Streets of Saratoga and Stepmother and I open a bottle of Red.

5:15 PM Friday Night- I wave good bye to friends and thank them for their company.

5:00 PM- I fore go the gym for a quick Happy Hour Martini- I may need it with what the weekend is sure to bring!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Good News/ Bad News

The good news is Little Man is potty trained.

The Bad news is we have a 2.33 second window to rip off his pants, scoop him up and run him half naked through the kitchen into the bathroom before he begins the process.

The good news is I found a house to rent.

The bad news is my father seems to forget that I have lived on my own for 11 years now and still finds the need to inform me that “these days you are going to need to give them a security deposit you know?” Really dad? I wonder if the home I put you in will need one?

The good news is I have used the word vagina in a blog and gotten no negative comments.

The bad news is you can now expect much more vaginal humor out of me.

The good news is I am a year away from paying my vehicle off.

The bad news is I recently ran into someone who I have not seen in a while and they said “You are still driving this thing?”

The good news is I have been doing very well at the gym.

The bad news is I have the same gym schedule as “Swamp Ass” the very scary, unattractive man that insists on wearing cut off YELLOW sweat pants while staying on the elliptical trainer way longer than necessary- providing him ample time to create massive amounts of ass foam. He also insists on doing this on the elliptical trainer in front of the only free treadmill.

The bad news is that I forgot that it was Miss Match Outfit day at Little Mans school today.

The good news is- no one realized that I forgot.

The good news is I ordered my bikini for France.

The bad news is in order to fit in it and not end up on the Glamour Magazine DON’T pages I a) cannot eat until May b)need lessons from Snookie in how to faux glow and c)will need to make an appointment to pay someone to drip hot wax in places that hot wax need not be and then rip it off of my delicate unseen skin while asking me if I want to try a fun new shape.

The good news is I have 725 Face book friends.

The bad news is that at least one of them is probably some sicko that jerks off to my photo. The even worse news is that if this were not true I might be a little disappointed.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Oopsie Daisy

This morning woke up from a bad dream. In the dream I found out that I had a thyroid condition and that meant that not only had I been wasting the last month of my time at the gym trying to sweat off my love handles but that I was not going to resemble Twiggy on my France trip what so ever. I woke startled and hit my head on the ceiling. No, I do not live on the 13th1/2 floor like John Malkovich, I on the brink of my 30th birthday am living at my father’s house, sleeping on the top bunk directly above Little Man, my three year old son. This is not what my life was supposed to look like.

Had you asked me 15 years ago what my life would look like at the ripe old age of 30 I would have been able to answer quite easily. I would have told you with quite certainty that I would be married to none other than my high school love. We would have 5 year old twins and we would be living in a log cabin. I would be a teacher, he a skilled tradesman of some sort and together we would take our perfect middle class family camping every other weekend in the summer.

In reality I just got out of a 6 year relationship with Little Man’s father- not my high school sweet heart. He happens to have made a wonderful life for himself and is not sleeping on a bunk bed. I have never been married.

I am newly in the dating market and this time is a bit more complicated than when I was 23. For one thing, I have had a child. No I am not referring to the elasticity of my vagina, I am referring to the fact that I now am unable to look at someone with a booger hanging out of their nose and not reach over and pick it. I am unable to see a cowlick without licking my palm and smearing it down and I find the fact that my son is no longer afraid to poop in the potty to be acceptable dinner conversation. I also have less time to shave my legs let alone landscape the Nether Regions. The thought of a new explorer in those regions makes me ill as well.

I am trying my hardest not to let myself become Bridgette Jones, although on the nights that I do not have Little Man a Magnum bottle of wine, yoga pants and the Bachelor is exactly what I look forward to. I also have just realized that condoms once again will be a part of my future and that Is a fact that I find 100% UNACCEPTABLE.

And So I recreate myself. I am in my new life and I dub thy-self Daisy…Oopsie Daisy, because this is not the life that I had planned but it is the life I have and although accidental- I can honestly say at this point that I wouldn’t change a thing.

PS- I will be starting a new blog for my new life- It will be titled Oopsie Daisy and I will put a link on this blog when it is ready- thanks for reading!!