Friday, October 21, 2011

Walloping Asses and Will Power

Cardio is my nemesis. I hate it. I hate it as much as I hate water, and will power and Tyra Banks. But I know it is necessary. You know why it is necessary? Because as I was jogging around the yard with a resistance band held out in front of me, making me look like some exercise crazed Zombie, my ass was walloping. That is the only word I can think of. It was like it was its own creature and I created a voice for it. My ass’s voice sounds like James Earl Jones on Quaaludes. It says to me “keeeep woooorking at it Blondie!” Beth and I have decided that the smaller my ass gets the higher its voice will get. I won’t be content until my ass sounds like Justin Bieber.... And Beth is happy to make me squat my way to a high pitched ass.

Beth also confronted me about my lack of water intake. Apparently ice in my wine is not enough, especially when working out with Jillian Michaels more feminine twin twice a week. It was a tough sell- first she promised me better agility…blah blah blah, more stamina…who cares. Then, she reminded me that it will help me lose weight faster-enter ass that can sing like the Biebs. Now you’re talking Beth the Death. Now you’re speaking my language.

Next week I am left to my own devices. Next week my will power will be tested- it has never passed a single test in all 30 years that I have been hiding it under my bed. That means I am going to need a lot of support, praise and encouragement from y’all (I sometimes pretend to be southern). I do not see Beth until November 1st and I want to make her proud. I will drink my water- I am actually doing that right now, ugh! And I will work out on my own. Not tomorrow night, tomorrow night is Friday and working out on Friday night is against my morale beliefs. I will however do a Cardio DVD Saturday and try and convince my boyfriend and son to go for a hike on Sunday. I will also wear cute work out gear all weekend and put my hair extensions in and pretend that my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills look is effortless and normal for a weekend around the house. Oh yeah and I will keep y’all informed of my progress, ya hear?